Why is Change So Freaking Hard??


Not too long ago I realized that my job, my REAL job, is helping people change. Of course, I am called a vocal coach and I spend a whole lot of time studying the voice and helping people with their voices. But really, when you get right down to it, I am helping people change. What I know is that I can hand out vocal exercises, even the very best ones, even the ones that that particular person exactly needs, all day long, and if I’m not helping that person work with the part of them that doesn’t know how to change, then none of it is going to go very far. 


Change can be really hard.  And significant change, the kind that throws us out of our comfort zone and challenges our very identity, is really, really hard. It’s not just hard, it’s terrifying. Even when we desperately want the new identity.  Even when we want to be a pro, or a really great singer, or an incredible writer/artist, or a powerful person, or anything else that calls to us. 


Recently I had this very cool awareness in yoga class. I’ve been doing Hot 26 yoga for a few years now, and if you don’t know about this it’s the same 26 postures every time, and some of them are very challenging. There’s so much repetition that you can immediately tell when you do something different that you haven’t been able to do before. So, recently in class I was doing this one posture, a backbend, and I got deeper into it than I ever have, or at least since I was a little cartwheeling-kid about 40 years ago.  Anyway, my first thought was “oh my gosh, I’m doing it! I’m doing better in this posture than I ever have– how cool that my body is doing this!” and I felt happy and excited and proud. But then, a millisecond after that first thought was “oh my gosh, this is terrifying and uncomfortable” and I pulled myself right out of the posture because my nervous system started having a meltdown. But at the same time, on some level, I was very aware that I was safe. That I had actually achieved something cool, something I wanted and had been working for! But it was a new place, literally a new position my body was in, and a part of me found that disorienting and frightening. 


So, naturally I thought about singing.  I thought about how it was the perfect example of how uncertain and scary it can feel stepping into a new vocal identity, or a new way of being in the world as a singer/artist/performer/human. It can feel really scary to suddenly be singing with a powerful, strong, free voice when you’ve never known you could do that. When your voice has fit into another framework, another identity, all your life.  When you have had another identity all your life. 


Do you relate to this at all? 


Here are some of the questions that come up for many of us when we are changing ourselves or some powerful aspect of ourselves: 


  • How do I “be” this person in the world?

  • What will people think of me?

  • Will my friends still like me if I’m crazy successful?

  • Will my family approve of this new version of me?

  • Will people like my voice now that it is different (better, bigger, more beautiful, etc) than it was before?

  • What is it like to move through the world from this new place?


Seriously.  Some of these are scary questions, and sometimes they keep us from changing. And this is understandable. It’s the “devil you know”. Our brains are wired to protect us from new things and environments.


But what if, even in the face of all this, you still really want to change?  What if your burning desire calls you to change, in spite of it all?  I really want you to follow that call, and I have a few suggestions that may help you. 


  1. Enlist support.  And by enlist, I mean, really call it in and be serious about it– hire a coach or a trainer or an assistant. Ask your closest friends and/or family to support you as you make big changes. Find a mentor. We simply do not do hard things well when we are alone. We have established that change is hard, right? 


  1. Plug yourself into a community. Now, this is a kind of support, but I’m talking specifically about a group of like-minded people that are doing the same thing, or something similar, that you’re doing. (If you can’t find one, create one). My yoga practice has changed my life and my health– physical, mental, and emotional– and I try to go 5 times a week. I am not lying when I say to you that I would not be doing yoga with any kind of regularity, and it would not have changed my life, if I didn’t have the extraordinary community at my yoga studio (Hot Yoga East Nashville) to practice with, time and time again. They are there for me. They see me. They cheer me on. They hold me accountable. There is no way to overestimate the power of this. The community keeps me going to yoga, and as a result, I keep changing and growing.


  1. BREATHE. If you’ve been around me for any period of time you know how I feel about breathwork. Get yourself a simple mindful breathing practice and lean into it when you are venturing into new territory. It will help you be gentle with yourself, and help your nervous system calm the f*#k down. 😊


  1. Read The War of Art by Steven Pressfield. No one talks about Resistance (which is the thing that keeps all of us from our greatness) like Pressfield. If you’ve never read it, it will be a gamechanger for you. If it’s been a minute since you read it, you probably need to read it again (I read it about twice a year). It’s one of the best kicks-in-the-pants for creatives that I know of. And if you feel super attached to your identity, read Personality Isn’t Permanent by Benjamin Hardy, PhD.


Lastly, and most importantly: do not give up on yourself and your ability to change!!!  You can do it, and I’m here for you if you need me. ❤️

Laura Donohue